Coming Into Your Own!

If you never step into your own shadow and become a great illuminating giant you will become lost in other people’s shadow. ~Stylicia A. Bowden~
As women we are prone to be told what we should look like, how we should think, and how we should dress in a society filled with judgmental views. The world’s view on beauty, fashion and personality is shoved down our throats. We become configured into something we are not and lose the person we are as we try to find our authentic self. We go through life carrying the world on our shoulders constantly running to the rescue, saving everyone else but ourselves. We imitate what we think is right but really is wrong because we have no idea of who we really are as we chase the ghost of acceptance. I, too have been in this dark hole living my life on the terms of what other people thought was best for my life; however, after my youngest daughter’s death in 2007 I was resurrected. The person I thought I was could no longer exist because God was calling me out of the shadows into his marvelous light to be a woman on purpose to fulfill my God given purpose.

It is an exhilarating feeling to come into your own going through the journey of self-love, self-preservation, self-worth and most of all self-acceptance. I use to spend my time explaining every move, every life decision and thought to others as if I truly needed their approval on how to live my life. Nonetheless, in the last four years I have been on many transitional journeys and the current journey I am strolling through is the journey of self-acceptance. I am learning to accept myself for the good, bad and the ugly. For so long, I would punish myself and tell myself I did not deserve happiness, love, joy and peace because of my sins of the past, present or future. Now, I am facing the fear of failure realizing failure is a beautiful thing because it develops who I am supposed to be in life. I am starting to embrace who I am on so many levels breaking the satanical strongholds of self-condemnation.

I am consistently reminded by the spirit of God that I never have to condemn myself because Jesus has already set me free. I am starting to love the skin I am in, in the awe of my brilliant self I revel at the idea knowing God made me extraordinary. I am like no other and cannot be duplicated. I currently understand my life trials, victories, and tribulations are structured to fit me to touch people who need my inner light. So often we hide our light to subject ourselves to hiding behind the spotlight. It was never meant for us to hide the awesomenesswe hold inside to appease others. I am learning to do what is best for me no matter what people think, feel or say I should do I am truly my own woman.

I use to crave validation from others as an act of approval but now I realize people will manipulate who you are to get what they want from you. If you never step into your own shadow and become a great illuminating giant you will become lost in other people’s shadow. I challenge you today and every day of your life to fight the shadow of validation, approval, pleasing others and accommodating others. This season and time for your life is truly for you to embrace and if others do not understand or approve it does not matter because God made this stage of an “extraordinary” life for you! Come Into Your Own….

Picture Reference:
Extracted from

I Am Not My Hair!

A couple years ago India Arie came out with a song entitled “I Am Not My Hair” which is a song I can embrace and relate to as a woman. My hair was never something I used to define who I am as a person. Whether my hair was short, long, weave, curly, straight or natural my hair is a form of expression not a form of who I am. I wonder why in the African American community we put so much emphasis on our hair and attach it to who we are as women. Recently I had a discussion with a lady that was natural and she was trying to convince me about going natural. I told her I am happy with the way my hair is now. I express to her that my hair does not define me it is just an extension of how I express myself. I believe going natural has nothing to do with a movement but should be something you want to do because it is an extension of expression. As a woman we express ourselves through our hair whether the woman is African American, Caucasian, Chinese or another race our hair is what we use to transition through our moods or changes in life. I believe my short hair is not a definition of who I am but it is my expression of my authentic self at that moment. I have came to understand that if we learn not to be attached to things such as hair we can truly be free within ourselves. I love my short relaxed hair but when I want something new I may add extensions to it or even become bald headed. It is our role as women to teach our young daughters that hair does not make you or break you but it has the ability to grow back.  Women who choose to go natural I encourage you to do this for yourself not to be part of a movement. In 1980 black women wore their hair natural as well in the 1960s when Afros were a big trend. I am convinced that just like any other trend being natural is just another trend or fad that will die out until another one is birthed. I remember when Solange Knowles stepped away from being a representative for Carol’s Daughter she simply stated for Lurve Magazine, ““I was constantly fighting for the right message to be heard. The message that the way we wear our hair is a personal choice, there’s no right or wrong way.” I simply agree with Solange there is no right or wrong way to wear your hair. Your hair is an extension of expression. We have the freedom to rock our hair the way we want when we want to as women. So now I encourage you to not be defined by hair, clothes or other things that keep you in a box. Be true to who you are by breaking the box that society tries to squash you into. I am not my hair, I am not my clothes, I am not what society says I should be I just choose to be my authentic self.

Until next time…Live Bold, Live Loud & Live Authentically!

Clutch Magazine (2012). Solange Knowles on Leaving Carol’s Daughter and Addressing Her Natural Critics. Retrieved on July 13,2013 from

Born "Alpha", Woman That Is!

I know who I am, I embrace who I am and who I am is what I accept; no validation needed. ~Stylicia~
Its has been almost two years since I threw away the carbon copy of who I thought I was and traded it in for the unadulterated woman God created me to be. In this journey I have learn so much about myself and realized the authentic me had to emerge. I lived my life for years being a fake, pleasing other people because of my insecurities. In 2011, I got an epiphany and have not been the same ever since.  My circle of friends have changed and I realize this road to authenticity can be lonely when you start dancing to the own beat of your drum. In the first two months of 2013 the revelation of myself started to go deeper when I went on a 30 day soul detox. The big reveal was that I am not an ordinary woman but extraordinary woman. God created me with unique characteristics that I did not want to embrace. Have you ever asked God, “Why did you make me this way?” The simple answer is God loves me just the way I am and does not mind being patient with me to tame or deliver the things that will harm my success. So yesterday in deep conversation with a dear friend I brought up “The Alpha Woman”. I told her we are Alpha Women, born to be this way. You may ask me, “Stylicia, what exactly is an Alpha Woman?” After intense research on the Alpha Woman I have complied a list of some characteristics that make me or you an Alpha Woman. Let’s look deeper and embrace this “Alpha Woman” phenom.
The Unveiling Of The Alpha Woman : Characteristics
Characteristic #1: The Alpha Woman is Confident. She knows what she wants and go for it. Go Getter Mentality
Characteristic #2: The Alpha Woman is Independent. She believes in pushing her own weight and making things happen for herself.
Characteristic #3: The Alpha Woman is Purpose Driven. She knows her purpose in life and everyday she sets a target to fulfill her goals.
Characteristic #4: The Alpha Woman is aware of her power. She uses her feminine power to lead in a positive light. She is subtle and like the finer things in life.
Characteristic #5: The Alpha Woman is classy. She is wrapped in all things elegant.
Characteristic #6: The Alpha Woman is a trendsetter. She inspires people through her words, her style, and most of all through her presence.
Characteristic #7: The Alpha Woman does not have to demand respect, respect automatically follows her; everywhere she goes.
Characteristic #8: The Alpha Woman can sometimes be demanding. She lives her life on auto inspire & auto make a difference. She is out to change the world.
Characteristic #9 The Alpha Woman is confident.
Characteristic #10 The Alpha Woman is authentic.
Characteristic #11: The Alpha Woman is intellectual. She loves to gain knowledge through educating herself for the next big takeover.
Characteristic #12: The Alpha Woman is unique. She never tries to blend in because she knows her worth and she knows she is an original. No one can imitate her.
Does this sound like you? Well if so, join the bandwagon I AM AN ALPHA WOMAN, TOO! Embrace who you are, allow God to perfect it and balance you out. Never be ashamed of who you are be that “Alpha Woman” you were born to be!
Examples of Alpha Women:
1) Beyonce
2) Oprah Winfrey
3) First Lady Michelle Obama
4) Tyra Banks
5) Jada Pinkett
6) Alicia Keys
7) Queen Latifah
8) Angela Bassett
9) Mary J Blige

The Individuality Factor: The Nonconformist

Individuality is a beautiful freedom to be totally you.~Stylicia~

In this world we live in being different can sometimes be frowned upon but being an individual carries a lot of freedom yet it also carries a lot of weight. Those who live in a country where conformity is the ideal thing may have a hard time embracing individuality. When I was in the military we all looked alike because we were forced to wear the same uniform. As I begin to spread my wings I realize I was a nonconformist. It was never meant for me to fit in because I embraced my individuality. When you grow up you are never taught that being an individual is powerful. You are taught to do what others tell you to do, be respectful and follow all the rules. Children are never challenged to step outside of their comfort zone and be unique. It is expected for them to go through school make good grades, graduate from high school, go to college and then get married to have kids. However, life is unpredictable and what if they are sidetracked by life unexpected detours, how can they be prepared to stay the course. I believe as parents it is important to teach our kids to be individuals. Let them know its okay not to be in the “popular crowd”. It is important to teach them to be who they were created to be. It is such an injustice to not allow children or even ourselves to be the individual that God created us to be. I am challenged everyday to teach my daughter to be an individual and nonconformist. I make sure I actively let her express her individuality in all creative avenues. There is a great amount of freedom with being an individual because it taps into your authenticity. When you are an individual you become a nonconformist. It is a great freedom to be true to who you really are within. 

I would always have issues conforming to things in my military lifestyle because a big part of me wanted to be free. My nine year journey in the military revealed to me that I was such a nonconformist. I believe to some degree I chose to conform to be accepted by the majority. I was never truly happy with being squashed into the status quo of average. When I decided to release myself from the prison of conformity that is when I truly saw my transformation. As I grew from a young lady to a grown woman I truly began to outgrow the box that I was securely placed in those nine years. It was time to break free so I could become the woman God wanted me to be. I was challenged by this new genre of freedom to no longer be meshed with a group of people. I stood out like a widows peak and a part of me wanted to run back to the shelter of belonging but I knew I no longer fit in. It was never meant for me to conform to fit in but it was always meant for me to embrace my individuality and just be true to myself. So many people look for a certain movement to join to feel good about themselves because they are apart of something. But individuality takes courage to defy the odds just to say, “I cannot conform, I will not conform because I am an Authentic Masterpiece“. 

Here are a couple of nonconformist I admire (some on this list are deceased but still are iconic):

1) President Barrack Obama
2) Ledisi
3) Mary J. Blige
4) Rihanna
5) Solange Knowles
6) Katy Perry
7) Marilyn Monroe
8) Whitney Houston
9) Bette Davis
10) Britney Spears
11) Lucille Ball
12) First Lady Michelle Obama
13) Jada Pinkett

The list is continuous….  

P.S. Ask Yourself Are You A Conformist or Nonconformist? be honest with yourself…..